Ever since I was a newborn calf, I have had this irrational fear of UFO’s. The other calves at 4H always tell spooky tales around the barn at night about mysterious middle of the night invaders from the skies that cause chaos and disappearances from among the herd.

“Now, Butch,” Mom said. “That’s just an old cow’s tale. There’s no such thing as Martians in Kansas.”

What Mom told me satisfied me for a while. I concentrated all my efforts on being a blue ribbon prize winning calf in order to please Tom Jr., my boy. He does his part by grooming me to perfection, keeping my stall clean and bringing the very best corn for me to eat and grow on. Tom’s family has some of the best pastureland in Kansas, into which I hope to be placed one day accompanied by a harem of beautiful young heifers from which many strong calves will be born.

As I said before, I have always had this feeling that there is something more in the universe than just the farm and the state fair. Part of it has to do with the more than occasional disappearance of members of the herd. Usually, that happens in the middle to late part of the week, when Tom Sr. and my boy, Tom pull the trailer around to the front of the barn, load a few head of us up and drive away. They never return and nobody has offered to tell me where they go; nor do they answer my questions on the subject. It’s been frustrating.

Something happened last night though, that confirms my belief that extraterrestrials are lurking around somewhere. Out in the corn field, there came a lot of commotion with flashing lights, loud popping sounds, sirens and more men than I have seen on this farm ever. It happened right around sunset, when I was in the grooming pen waiting for Tom Jr. to come down from the house for my brushing.

At least three flying machines, UFO’s, if you want my opinion, were crisscrossing the corn field with bright lights stabbing down into the dark. Men with leashed dogs, baying like crazy and straining to run, went into the field, away from the flashing red and blue lights that gave the corn stalks such an eerie look. It was scary and then some. I was so nervous; I started mooing loudly, which in turn set off the rest of the herd. We contributed mightily to the overall din. It was terrifyingly grand.

About two or so hours into the night, the men and dogs came out with 4 orange creatures that glowed in the flash of the lights. They looked like men, but looks can be deceiving, as I once discovered after having mistaken a skunk for a barnyard cat.

After they all left, Tom Jr., who was very late for my brushing, finally arrived with his dad to put us all in the barn. They were talking about the alien invasion, Senior saying that “He wished there wasn’t a prison just down the road," and Junior agreeing that it had been quite a night.

So I guess they caught the Martians this time, but what about next time? I hear that those flying machines sometimes calfnap whole herds. I just hope the men and dogs will be there to protect me.

When I told all this to Mom, who had been inside the barn, while me and the other calves had been in the grooming pen, she just laughed and said I would understand the world of men when I get older.

Just so we are clear though, and despite what Mom says, there really are Martians in Kansas and I hope they don’t get me.